HOLIDAY HANGOVER HACKS

The holidays are coming! Summer is over, and so is bikini season. Christmas is just around the corner, and that means rum-infused eggnog and preposterous volumes of merlot will be making guest appearances everywhere we go. Just because we’re fitness enthusiasts doesn’t mean some of us won’t be indulging a little! But let’s make sure we can make it to the gym the next day, shall we?

We’ve all been there—waking up from a dream about chugging liquids back, only to discover pasty dry mouths and throbbing headaches. We’d do anything for a bottle of water—if only we could get out of bed to get it. Bizarre hangover remedies are a rite of passage no matter where you come from: In Hungary, it’s customary to drink brandy flavoured with sparrow droppings. In Germany, a breakfast of raw pickled herring wrapped around onions. The Sicilians used to swear by some good old-fashioned dried bull penis (penis jerky, if you will). The world is filled with diverse cultural traditions, but one thing seems to be universal: We’re all motivated to seek relief from the inescapable hangover by whatever means necessary.

If you’re looking for a slightly more scientific edge, keep reading.

Scientists are still arguing over what actually elicits hangover symptoms, but it’s safe to say that it boils down to the following three pathologies: dehydration, acetaldehyde accumulation, and inflammation.

DEHYDRATION
Alcohol exerts diuretic activity in the body; it also doesn’t help that most of us don’t follow that advice about alternating each of our adult beverages with a glass of water. A night of drinking leaches the water out of our bodies, and water makes up about 50 percent of our blood volume. When blood volume is low, blood pressure is low, and the delivery of oxygen to our bodily tissues is impaired. This leads to dizziness, headaches, and dry mouth. An electrolyte replacement (not Gatorade—a real one from the digestive section of the drugstore) will fix you up in a jiffy. If you can’t drag your sorry butt to the drugstore, you can make your own rehydration drink at home by mixing 1 litre of water, 8 teaspoons of sugar, and 1 teaspoon of table salt.

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ACETALDEHYDE ACCUMULATION
Our society tends to forget this, but alcohol is a toxin. The liver gets busy when we slam it with this stuff. Liver enzymes convert alcohol (ethanol) into acetaldehyde—a carcinogenic toxin 30 times more toxic than ethanol—and then convert it further into acetate before excreting it from the body. The problem is that most of us chug the stuff down faster than the liver can possibly get rid of it, so toxic acetaldehyde builds up. To minimize the amount of liver abuse and facilitate the conversion of acetaldehyde into less toxic substances, take silymarin (aka milk thistle) and N-acetyl cysteine (NAC) the night before.
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INFLAMMATION
It’s purported that the most important hangover pathology is inflammation. This mostly occurs because of the buildup of acetaldehyde in the liver. An anti-inflammatory over-the-counter medication such as 200 to 400 milligrams of ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin) with a big glass of water before you hit the hay should do the trick. Whatever you do, avoid Tylenol—you’ve already put your liver through enough.

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HAIR OF THE DOG
I’d be remiss if I didn’t add in my anecdotal “hangover cure,” the good ol’ brunch mimosa (or obnoxiously garnished Caesar… make sure there’s bacon). Disclaimer: Science says this protocol doesn’t improve hangover symptoms. Whatever, science—you don’t know me; don’t tell me how to live my life. Here’s the thing: Having a morning-after bevvy might not actually improve physiological parameters, but it’ll dull your senses enough that your hangover won’t seem so bad anymore. That’s a win in my books. Just make sure you just have one (your liver is swamped with toxins from last night’s indulgences) and knock back a litre of water and some hearty food at the same time.