Elite Physique

Over 15+ years of contest prep coaching, we’ve encountered many
types of clients and have seen way too many shenanigans to count. We’ve seen everything from eating bagels backstage (carbing up with bagels? You know that’s bread, right buddy?) to bikini girls drinking alcohol before stepping onstage (yeah, just what the judges want to see—python-sized veins running down the pipe-cleaner arms of a bikini competitor). We pride ourselves in figuring out a person’s body and dialing it in for the day of the show. Contest prep isn’t always a straight line and is often more art than science. This is especially true when clients like to have minds of their own and do things that aren’t quite as we lay out. Here are three quick tales that come to mind when we
think of crazy competitors:



CRAZY COMPETITOR #1: WALTER WATERBOTTLE


Walter was coming into his show a little behind and wasn’t quite where
we wanted him to be (more on that later). It was the last week, and we felt that if he could drop a little water, his look would tighten up and he would at least place. In this situation, we decided to ramp up his water and then cut it out the day before the show. Walter was told to drink 5 litres of water on Wednesday and then 6 litres on Thursday. Well, Walter thought that if 6 litres of water was good, 15 litres of water would be better. Yes, you read that right—15 litres! Let’s do some simple math. We know that one litre of water weighs one kilogram. One kilogram = 2.2 pounds. So Walter consumed 15 × 2.2 = 33 pounds of water in one day! How is this possible? We have no clue. To this day, we still don’t know how he didn’t sprout gills. Or die of water intoxication! Looking back, it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise, as Walter was the type of client who thought that taking things to extremes would save his ass from the previous mistakes he’d made. One such mistake was finding some cookies under his car seat and eating them just because they were there. Yep, that was the excuse he gave us—“because they were there.” Compensating to the extreme never works, especially when you’re trying to make up for past cheats—just ask Walter Waterbottle.

CRAZY COMPETITOR #2: CHARLIE CHEAPSKATE


Charlie was a good bodybuilder. In fact, Charlie was a really good bodybuilder. He had mountains of muscle mass at a very young age and lots of potential to go far in the sport. But what Charlie made up for with a great physique, he lacked in brains. I had competed against Charlie and beaten him early in his competitive career. The main reason for his loss was that Charlie wasn’t quite in the condition required to win the show (but his genetics did later carry him to the Nationals). I asked him one time why he wasn’t able to get in shape. Charlie put his head down and mumbled, “I got an infection.” I asked him how, and he mentioned that he was using a water-based substance. This is a common problem with water-based “supplements,” but Charlie went on to say that wasn’t it. It turned out that Charlie had decided to save himself a few bucks. Most guys who turn to the dark side know that there is always a little bit of liquid left in the barrel after a shot. Well, Charlie decided to try to save it. He would take whatever was left in the syringe—supplement and blood—and shoot it back into the bottle to reuse at a later date. I can honestly say that I just about spat out my plain chicken breast when he told me that. Luckily, Charlie got rid of his infection with a four-day stay in the hospital after the show. While it is certainly true that you can’t budget bodybuild, Charlie Cheapskate took stinginess to a new level!

CRAZY COMPETITOR #3: PETER PACKAGE


Poor Peter. This guy was blessed with a jaw-dropping, chick-magnet body but was lacking below the equator. Peter apparently felt that his posing suit was a little too revealing, so he thought something had to be done else his little secret would be exposed. His plan was to pump up more than just his muscles; Peter planned to pump up his posing trunks. This guy actually stuffed a banana down the front of his
posing suit. True story. He must have looked a little too endowed, because he caught the keen eye of the stage marshal, who quickly put an end to Peter’s ruse. Maybe Peter Package should have tucked the banana a little lower into his trunks because the yellow banana peel popping out of his suit surely gave him away. Overall, we’re truly blessed to work with all of our clients. The majority are great and become long-term friends. It is just the one-off cases that make us chuckle and really allow us to appreciate the good ones. So far this
year, we’re working with some really incredible bodies who will certainly
bring home the hardware. However, if we hear of any more crazy competitors, we’ll be certain to let MUSCLE INSIDER readers know

To read more crazy stories and interesting info from Dan Kennedy, check out his Elite Physique column!

Photos courtesy of ThinkStock